Friday, February 1, 2013


The following is a transcript of the symposium on Galactic Warfare held on Tau Ceti 58 taken from one of the last known recordings. The topic is the Sol System planet called Earth; specifically how a small, backwater, Tech Level Six world was able to repulse multiple invaders equipped with far superior technology. In attendance are representatives from the failed invasion forces, plus several other warlords who have expressed interest in attacking the Earth. The speaker is the famous mercenary Tyranis Kaeyn, also known as War Hawk. The poor fool chosen as moderator is one Fangan Smilira of the War-Co mercenary consortium.

MODERATOR: Thank you all for attending. I’d like to start by saying --

WAR HAWK: Knock off the small talk. I didn’t get to where I am today by wasting time. Besides, etiquette isn’t what you buffoons need.

MODERATOR: But I need to introduce you to --

WAR HAWK: These guys know who I am. More than a few have my boot print on their asses. Remember when I blew your command center, Moloch? And last time I saw you, Dronn, you were getting trampled by your own panicked soldiers. Sardonus Jek? Wait? Where is Jek?

MODERATOR: Sardonus Jek was scheduled to be here, but hasn’t shown up, yet. Several others are late.

WAR HAWK: I’m shocked to see that name on this list. Sardonus Jek is a pro, and should know all the material I’ll be going over. As for the rest of you, the galaxy is full of scumbags, but even scumbags have standards. And you lot are at the lower end of those standards.


WAR HAWK: If hearing the truth is going to be problem, you should get up and leave right now. You want to believe the real badasses in the galaxy -- the Ardonians, the Scarmans, the Eldarans, the Saurians -- quake at the mention of your name? Fine. Just sit there and dream of glory. Those of you who want to join reality, pay attention. The truth is, you guys represent some of the least respected military forces in known space, and that was before you tried and failed to take over the Earth. Getting your butts kicked by a Tech Level Six planet just sort of cemented your positions as the lowest of the low.

Now, the rest of the galaxy doesn’t care much about why you do anything, but I have to admit I’m a little curious. Why are all of you attracted to this one insignificant planet? There are a lot of other easy targets around, planets that haven’t put up such fierce resistance. What makes this one so special to you? Why did you all decide the Earth was worth invading in the first place?


WAR HAWK: No takers, huh? We’ll address why you’re picking on this one planet later on. Now as to why you failed to conquer this one planet, and this is as polite as I can make it, you all failed because you were idiots.

MODERATOR: Could you elaborate? And could you possibly do so in a way that won’t result in a brawl?

WAR HAWK: I can’t make any promises. As a professional, I take pride in my work. And going over all the things you did wrong really hurts that pride even though I wasn’t involved. Yeah it’s that bad.

Let’s just take a look at what we have here. Planet Earth. Tech Level Six. Barely a Six, really. Their energy infrastructure is largely fossil fuels. They have limited nuclear technology. Even more limited space technology. They don’t have matter/anti-matter reactors. They don’t have high capacity energy storage. They don’t have hyperspatial gates, or inertial control systems. They don’t have energy deflection shields. For a long time, they didn’t have directed energy weapons. That’s just a tiny sliver of the advantages you had when you came to Earth. What happened?

GENERAL DRONN: It was not our fault. It was --

WAR HAWK: That was a rhetorical question. Does anyone here want to get shot?


That’s better. I don’t care what excuses you have because that’s all they are: excuses.

Now that I heard about this place, I was a little impressed. So I went down there.

MODERATOR: Don’t shoot me, please. I just want to point out to the assembly that the Earthlings are remarkably similar to War Hawk in appearance. So he was able to conduct an up close observation of the planet for several of their years and --

WAR HAWK: The place is a dump. I went down there thinking I’d find something special. I found a species that was brave and resourceful, sure enough. But they also had problems. Everyday, these meatbags did something completely idiotic.

The first few months, I kept thinking they were going to blow themselves up. How they’ve managed to make it to even Tech Level Six is beyond me.

But that just makes you look even worse for not being getting the job done. The problem wasn’t the Earthlings. They’re resilient, of course. They didn’t give up after the first burst of laser fire. But that’s not uncommon. Most people fight back when they are attacked. The Earthlings were brave, but they weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. The key was they fought and behaved like soldiers, like they were fighting a war.

You, on the other hand, did not. Almost from the start, your plans and tactics made little military sense. And that’s the real reason you lost.

MODERATOR: So the War Hawk has been good enough to set up a presentation --

WAR HAWK: Shut up for a second. How many people are we missing? I’m going to be talking about all the past failures, and some of those failures haven’t shown up yet.

MODERATOR: We’re still missing some, besides Sardonus Jek and a few others. Do you want to postpone?

WAR HAWK: Hell, no. The stragglers will just have to keep up. I trust they can copy somebody’s notes?


Laugh it up. You’re not going to have that much to laugh about in a little bit. So back to the subject at hand. I took a look at the Earth and found nothing that spectacular. Then I reviewed the invasions themselves, and there was the answer.

You guys screwed up.

No, I mean you guys screwed everything up, from the planning stages, all the way down to the equipment used by the frontline troops. The secret to Earth’s success isn’t on Earth, at all. You are letting them win. Usually, you do it before the first shots are even fired.


I told you this wasn’t going to be pleasant. But if you want to improve, you’re going to have to hear some uncomfortable truths.

There is plenty of good news. Your mistakes are correctable. You can get better. Iif you stop handing the Earthlings easy victories, if you stop contributing to your own defeat, then the Earth doesn’t stand a chance. With the right strategy, the right tactics, and the right mindset, your next invasion will succeed.

Am I right in assuming there will be a next invasion?

(Murmurs of agreement.)

Then let’s get started.

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