Friday, September 20, 2013



General Dronn, you brought the largest attack force ever to Earth. Why did you do that?

GENERAL DRONN: Mine is a warrior culture. I need victory in battle.

WAR HAWK: You know, I’d almost believe you, except you’re standing right here. And if I understand warrior cultures at all, then you should have disemboweled yourself after losing to such an inferior foe.

You know I can almost believe that this whole cycle of blunders is driven by honor, glory, and prestige. That you guys are trying to live up to the standards set by your ancestors.

But that is one of the dumbest frigging motives of them all. Why? Aren’t warrior cultures honorable and worthy of our praise?

Maybe as an abstract. As a set of ideals. But warrior cultures seldom work as a model for an advanced civilization.

Warrior cultures have trouble adapting. When the time comes to put away the swords or rifles and find some other less destructive ways of proving their self-worth, warrior cultures struggle.

And in all honesty, the warrior societies of the past have been overhyped for romantic reasons. Sometimes a group tries to revive this “tradition” for political purposes. They look to the past to justify their aggressions in the present. But they all overlook one important fact: these warrior societies they hold in such high regard were ultimately failures. That’s why they passed into history.

Warrior societies look cool from the outside, but inside they are deeply dysfunctional, and usually very primitive. Warrior societies tend to look down on things like trade, commerce, and free thought. Some people actually think this is a good thing, but it results in a society that never grows or advances; one that soon becomes obsolete. You don’t have to lose on the battlefield to have your entire way of life swept away. Most of the time, it isn’t even war that destroys a society. Some go out in a blaze of blaster fire, but the real culprit is time.

Warrior societies also place government decisions in the hands of the warrior class. I admit, I’m flattered, but you’d have to be bugnuts to want a guy like me in charge of your state. And I’m one of the smarter ones. I have been an area administrator before. I didn’t like it, and you couldn’t pay me enough to do it again. Power isn’t so much fun when you actually have to govern. It’s not exciting. It’s about getting the holes in the road fixed. It’s solving a factory strike. It’s attracting businesses to a place that looks like an open sewer on a good day. These mundane tasks aren’t the stuff of legendary battles, but it’s solving these little problems that leads to lasting, long term success. If you win every battle, but your home city still looks like a disaster area, you aren’t going stand the test of time.

It’s for this reason that ancient warrior societies have checkered histories.

The ancient Atras were a warrior society where only the healthy males were allowed to survive. All manual labor was done by slaves. It was glorious, but it lasted only a few centuries. The ritual slaughter of their own children ensured that their numbers were never great. Their enemies quickly figured out that, if they encouraged some slave revolts, there wouldn’t be enough Atra warriors to take the field.

The Eldarans were once ruled by armored warrior nobility, but that society was falling apart even before industrialization. Supposedly, these warrior aristocrats were loyal to their king. But this led to open civil war. On one continent, these “loyal” nobles rose up and imposed a new quasi-representative government of their king. On the other side of the planet, these warriors kept their country frozen in time for centuries, until the industrialized world literally steamed into their lives.

But once industrialization kicked in, the noble warrior was doomed. It wasn’t just that new weapons and large national armies had replaced him. The values by which he or she lived by no longer made sense. In an industrialized world, wars were expensive. They had to make sense. When one nation would “rediscover” its ancient traditions, it led to pointless wars of expansion. Wars that had no real goal other than the glory of war itself. That made their strategies flawed from the get go, and the demise of these regimes a near certainty. They pissed off their neighbors, found themselves fighting on all fronts, and were eventually crushed.

Despite my nickname, I have no use for warrior societies. Any society that undertakes war for its own sake, without a true strategic goal will face crushing defeat sooner or later. If it’s at the hands of the primitive Earthlings, that makes it even sweeter.

In fact, the only place this mentality still exists to some extent is on the fringes. Criminal gangs and societies operate under these rules. So do the warlords of undeveloped nations. Here, the warriors rule the society. They have their own codes, but few would call them honorable. In other words, they’re the scum of the galaxy. Also known as “You guys.”

Like I said, I could almost buy this as your motivation. But I’m not. I know you. None of you have honor. You don’t care what anyone else in the galaxy thinks of you. I’ve seen you turn tail and save your own worthless skins. If you had any warrior’s honor, you abandoned it a long time before you came to Earth. You wouldn’t spend a Slugaran Blimto to get increase your prestige, let alone mount a whole invasion.

Friday, September 13, 2013



Sondrak Imperials, you were the next to follow in Gorgonians’ slime trail. Why did you invade the Earth?

SONDRAK: We wanted… slaves.

WAR HAWEK: Slave labor?

Are you frigging kidding me?

No! Are you frigging kidding me?

You come all this way… for slaves?

I’m not even going to dignify that excuse. I’m going to pretend you did not say that. You want to know why?

Slaves are the most useless thing in the entire galaxy. Most civilizations gave them up before they became industrialized.

Slavery? Really?

Guess what? Slaves aren’t marching around in chains. And that’s not because it’s a fashion faux pa. Slaves have been, throughout history, a source of manual labor. Manual labor! You guys haven’t heard of a thing called automation? Robotics?

Plus: what the hell could you be manufacturing on Earth? The place is two centuries behind the rest of the galaxy. At least!

If you’re even capable of launching an attack against the planet, you must already have advanced industries. You have somebody who can manufacture warp capable ships, beam weapons, armor, fighting vehicles, plus all the advanced command and control systems needed for a military operation. Let me ask you something. Out of all those advanced industries, which ones are still using slave labor?

Sure, plenty of workers complain about being slaves to the corporations. I know I’m glad I’m in a business where I can set my own hours. And kill people. That’s a good stress relief.

But back to your factory workers. Who in their right minds decides that it’s more efficient to keep a bunch of people against their will as opposed to just paying them a crappy wage and telling them to go screw at the end of the day? And if they did use actual slaves, what the hell kind of operation would they be running? Could they turn out anything that is truly munition quality? And how long can they keep that up?

The idea of using your own people as slave labor is ludicrous enough, but using the Earthlings is another level of stupidity. Chances are they aren’t even familiar with the technologies used in your manufacturing process. Most of our tech involves materials the Earth can’t even produce yet; stable transuranic elements and advanced compounds. You’d have to train them in the science behind these materials. You’d have to familiarize them with manufacturing techniques that are centuries ahead of their own. To do that, you need to educate them. In other words you’d be quickly surrendering the one advantage you have over the Earthlings, your advanced tech.

And for what? To save a few credits on the price of a pair of boots? I promised I wouldn’t get violent, but keep treating me like an idiot and see what happens. Slaves my ass.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013



We’ve eliminated resources as a motive. Gorgonians, why did you invade?

GORGONIAN: We needed the living space.

WAR HAWK: Living space? That’s what you’re going with? I remind you that you set up a base on Mars from which you launched your attack on the Earth. Mars was uninhabited at the time. If you needed living space so badly, why didn’t you at least start with Mars?

GORGONIAN: It’s too dry.

WAR HAWK: So haul ice over from Europa. That would have made it less dry. Are you going to tell me an invasion was easier than a little hydrodynamic engineering?


All right, then. Once again, I’m not buying it. Time for another history lesson.

In ages past, living space was a reason for military invasions.

But we’re talking ages past. Displacing whole populations became harder and harder as technology improved. Part of the reason is that technology leveled off the difference between the Haves and the Have Nots. Gone were the days when the superior Haves could starve out the Have Nots, or infect them with diseases. The Have Nots soon learned how to buy canned food and seek proper medical treatment.

They figured out that advanced small arms and explosives make even a small untrained group of fighters a real threat.

Meanwhile, the Haves grew either civilized, or complacent, depending on your point of view. Sure, they still coveted a home with a view, but they were less inclined to massacre a whole tribe to get it.

And the Haves quickly lost their taste for real pioneering. The more you get used to modern plumbing, the less happy you are taking a crap in the middle of the woods.

Finally, the Haves discovered that kids suck, and postponing them, perhaps indefinitely, was the key to domestic bliss. Meanwhile, the Have Nots were screwing like crazy and pooping out little brats faster than Telerian Jackbunnies. So even if somebody did try to “colonize” their space, the Have Nots would out breed the interlopers, thus defeating the purpose of the colony.

In other words, after a certain point in your development, living space shouldn’t be something you’re willing to go to war over.

So you’re going to tell me you launched a major invasion against an entire planet for living space? How does your civilization manage to function if your people still resort to murder in their real estate transactions? That’s an attitude for guys with flint axes, not directed energy weapons.

What happens if you do conquer Earth and open it up for colonization? You honestly have people who are willing to travel light years away from home and start over again on a blasted world that stinks from all the dead bodies? What kind of life are they going to have there? What will they produce?

If you really are that hard up for living space, say from a planetary catastrophe, there are easier ways to go about it.

Remember when I talked about space habitats and your invasion force? There is your living space. In order to conquer the planet in the first place, you need to set up at least a few bases outside the planet, probably in the asteroid belt. The Gorgonians built a base on Mars instead of in the asteroid field, but it was capable of sustaining their entire force. Why not use that base or asteroid habs for your colonists instead? I know I said things would be cramped, but that was back when you were preparing for a military assault. You needed to make room for equipment, weapons, ammunition, supplies, and still have enough space for training. If your only concern is colonization, then your habs or bases become a lot less crowded.

I mean, you already crossed light years to get to the Earth. That means the vacuum of space is no longer that big of an obstacle. And that means putting people in artificial environments and indefinitely leaving them there is not beyond your capabilities. It takes zero imagination to take that technology and apply it to living space. I’ve even heard reports that there is enough material in the Earth system’s asteroid belt to create a breathable ring.

A ring would be continuous band of fused asteroids running around the sun. It would have edges, and could hold an atmosphere. The interior would be engineered to have lakes, oceans, deserts, forests; an entire biosphere. The ring wouldn’t be that wide, but that would hardly matter. It would have the surface area of several hundred Earths. The humans would notice a construct of this size, but what are they going to do about it?

No, that’s not the reason you came to Earth. Like resources, just being able to get to the Earth means you’re past the point where living space is that big of a problem for you. Try something else.

Monday, September 9, 2013



Ah, the Xernians are finally here. Just in time. It’s ironic that the first alien invaders of the Earth should be the last to show up here. Have a seat, we need to discuss things.

To review, the Xernians landed before anyone else, even the Gorgonians. They brought a large mother ship to a place called Arizona during the Earth year 1880.

The Earthlings at the time were just beginning their industrial age. Most of the humans in the Arizona territory were agricultural workers called “cowboys.” Their main weapons were primitive slug throwers.

The Xernians sent out their air craft to kill and capture several of the locals.

That they were utterly defeated is bad enough.

But what were they doing while they were there? Mining for gold.

Let me ask you something now that you’re here. Did you really invade the Earth just for its gold?


WAR HAWK: Really? You didn’t notice the asteroid belt on your way down to the Earth’s surface? Where there’s about a hundred times more gold?


WAR HAWK: You do know that gold is only a precious commodity on Earth right? That on the galactic market it’s worthless?

XERNIAN: Yes. We did know that.

WAR HAWK: So… are you stupid?


Right. I’m going to say you’re lying. That, like everyone else, you don’t want to tell me the real reason you invaded Earth. But there’s no way you’re going to convince me that gold mining was the reason for the invasion instead of something you decided to do while you were down there. There’s no way you invaded the Earth for gold or any other natural resource. Of that I’m certain. Here’s why:

We have to start with a little bit of a history lesson.

Warfare started as a struggle over resources. For thousands of years, armed conflict was fought over rich and profitable land. But things began to change pretty quickly. As technology changed, so did the value of resources. Things that had once been worth dying for, like grain and timber, became nearly worthless. Iron and fuel became more important as worlds became industrialized.

The point of this is simple: technology changes the kind of resources that are vital to your civilization. Early on, grain and slaves are important. Later, it’s trade goods. Later on, fossil fuels. And later on, nuclear fuel. Technology also changes what resources are available to you. Our ancient ancestors, even if they knew about the stored energy of oil, would have lacked to the ability to access most of it. Space travel opened up whole new vistas of resource exploitation.

When a planet forms, it tends to draw heavier elements down into its core. Asteroids, however, don’t have this problem. The first space farers discovered that asteroids were rich in the elements that were rare on their home planets. Thus, commodities like gold and promethium are plentiful in the asteroids and around dead stars. After that, stabilized artificial elements became the new highly valued resource.

But the Earth doesn’t have the capability to manufacture and stabilize these elements. That’s a good thing. Artificial elements are the key to interstellar travel. With all the busted equipment and vehicles left on the Earth, the second they figure out transuranic chemistry, we’re going to have a lot of pissed off terrans to deal with.

But until that happens the only resources on the Earth are naturally occurring. And all of those can be found in greater quantities elsewhere in the galaxy.

If resources had truly been your motivation, you didn’t even have to land on Earth. You wouldn’t even be looking at Earth. You’d look for another star system with plenty of satellites, but no indigenous life forms to bitch about strip mining.

You’d look for the proto-stars that are literally pooping out raw materials from their cores, all the naturally occurring elements, up to uranium. On Earth, gold is still a precious metal. Out here, gold is nearly worthless. Why? Because you can stop by any proto-star and haul away a chunk of gold the size of a moon.

Even in terms of its own solar system, Earth is resource poor. It is a tiny speck that makes up a tiny fraction of the total mass of the system.

The Earth solar system is not only made up of eight additional planets with multiple moons, but also a huge asteroid belt. Hell, even if you want water, there’s more on the moon called Europa than on the Earth. And you also have what the terrans call the Oort Cloud surrounding the entire system at roughly one light year distance from the sun. The Oort Cloud is made up of resource rich debris, along with huge chunks of ice. It’s the birth place for several comets.

Any alien prospector would have to pass through the Oort Cloud, the outer planets and their satellites, and the asteroid belt, until finally reaching the comparatively tiny ball of shit that is the Earth. And all these resources are untapped because Earth currently lacks the capability to reach them. You Xernians could have strip mined the entire asteroid belt and the Earthlings would never even know about it. And if they had, there wouldn’t have been anything they could have done about it.

So there’s no way you Xernians were really on the Earth looking for gold. There’s no way the rest of you invaded Earth for resources. You guys are dumb, but you’re not that dumb.


We cannot avoid this topic any longer. I really should have started off the lecture with this point.


Why Earth?

Why this one little backwater planet?

Why do you keep trying to conquer this place?

Unless you tell me, everything we’ve discussed in meaningless.

Before any battle there is a strategy. A strategy has a goal. There is something that you want to achieve here. What that goal is determines your strategy. It determines what kind of a force you bring. It determines whether you bring any force at all because, as mentioned, some goals are best achieved without military means. But I can’t tell you the best strategy unless I know what the goal is.


I know what some of you did during your invasions. I what some of you have done in the past. I know that some people have visited the Earth for a reason and did not invade.


I’m not letting it go this time. If you don’t tell, we’ll just go through each possible motive one at a time until we find it.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Regardless of your goals, if you are vulnerable or deathly allergic to anything commonly found on Earth – like water, bad pop music, or chipmunks – YOU SHOULD STAY THE HELL AWAY. And if you need me to tell you that YOU’RE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS. Str’ee Collective, I’m glaring in your direction!

Friday, September 6, 2013



Continuing with the theme of how strange Earthlings are, there are some humans down there who insist that their planet was successfully conquered. Strange, I know, but this myth insists that aliens took control years ago, and that Earth’s freedom is nothing but a carefully constructed lie. Like the Space Pharaoh group, this is an extreme fringe whose beliefs until recently were thoroughly at odds with known history. That is, until the Magelian conspiracy was uncovered. This was a shock that gave the “secret alien overlord” myth new life. And it was this myth that Kanjar Horn exploited to complete his assignment.

Horn’s another associate of mine. We’ve worked together. We respect each other. I can say this: his mind follows some very strange paths.

Horn decided to use this myth of a secret alien conspiracy not to get an Earthling to work for him, but to get an Earthling to work against him. Well, he wasn’t really working against Horn, he just thought he was. And…


Forget it. It’ll all make sense by the time I finish. I hope.

Let’s begin with the object of the operation. When the Magelians were uncovered, most of their equipment was confiscated by the authorities. I say “most,” not “all.” The remains of a combat android were discovered by a corporation called Skyna-Tek. Rather than turn it over, they decided to keep it to try and reverse engineer some of the technology. Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on your point of view – that android didn’t originally belong to the Magelians. They had stolen it from the Ardonians and they have a strict policy about keeping their technology out of developing worlds like Earth. So they put in a call to Horn.

Horn located the android remains easy enough, but getting them out of Skyna-Tek facility was going to be tricky. That’s when he discovered John A. Smith, alias Joe B. Jones, alias Cecil Wozniak. Mr. Smith-Jones-Wozniak lived very close to the Skyna-Tek facility and dedicated his life to investigating the “world alien conspiracy.” And even better, he was convinced Skyna-Tek was one of conspiracy’s many fronts. It was just too tempting to pass up.

The stratagem Horn came up with was a reverse of Drac’s Egyptian job. Like the Egyptian job it involved a little bit of dress up.

First, Horn quietly showed up at Wozniak’s place at night. Horn made sure there were no witnesses. He arrived in a human disguise designed to make him appear tall, with pale skin and milky eyes, and wearing a black dress suit.

Horn now resembled a Man In Black. The Man In Black is the all-purpose thug/enforcer of the global alien conspiracy. The face was a problem, but that turned out to be plus. He really didn’t look human. Wozniak could clearly see he was an alien.

Horn burst into Wozniak’s house, knocked him around a little bit and threatened him. He told him to stay away from Skyna-Tek, or else. Then he knocked Wozniak out with a neuro stunner and left.

A normal human would have called the authorities and reported an alien incursion, but not Wozniak. He didn’t trust the government one bit. Instead, he immediately hacked into the systems at Skyna-Net. Here’s where things just became a self-feeding loop. Skyna-Tek was involved in something illegal and dangerous. So they tried to protect it as best they could. But hiding alien tech is one of the greatest crimes on Earth right now. They had to get people who were willing to keep their mouths shut first. Their skills at creating cyber security measures were a secondary concern. So when Wozniak broke into their system, he found plenty of suspicious material. And because the security measures were of inferior grade, Wozniak was able to hack all the way into the system and discover where the android remains were being kept.

Horn had been monitoring his progress the whole time, and that’s when he initiated the second phase. And that brings us to Aiyana Thrax, Eldaran mercenary and frequent partner in crime to Kanjar Horn. Eldarans, like my race, bear a striking resemblance to humans. Eldarans are actually closer in appearance to a mythological Earth creature called an elf, but with the right wardrobe they could easily pass for a terran.

Aiyana showed up on Wozniak’s doorstep pretending to be a fellow conspiracy theorist. She told him she was in the same predicament. From what I was told, it was an easy sell. Wozniak was already half conditioned to believe. The other half of his brain was busy staring at Aiyana’s mammary glands. She had chosen her outfit with that in mind. He agreed with her idea of going online with their findings. But they needed the android as proof.

The rest of the operation was a snap. Horn and Aiyana are pros, after all. With Wozniak disabling the security, they were in and out of the Skyna-Tek facility without any incident. Skyna-Tek went bankrupt, and the board members all dropped out of sight. The android was returned and the mission was completed. Unlike Lila Sinclair, Wozniak didn’t get a free trip to see the galaxy. He wouldn’t have accepted one, anyway. But Horn told me something. Wozniak came away from this adventure with the certainty that he had been right all along. For someone like him, there was no greater reward.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013



I have a bit of a history with the Saurian mercenary Draconarius Naga. I can tell you he’s not a pile of crap. At least, not completely. We’re not each other’s favorite people, but I’ll admit the guy’s a pro, especially for someone who started out as a research scientist. He’s an arrogant prick, and is nowhere near as brilliant as he thinks he is. But I will allow this idea he came up is pretty genius. Just don’t tell him I said that.

You see, ol’ Drac took a job for the Eldarans. Apparently, they had a defector who hid out on Earth, posing as a human. Drac located the scumbag who had set himself up as a motivational speaker in a city called Los Angeles. The target was never alone and often had a huge crowd around him. Drac had to find a way to isolate the guy so he could quietly snatch him. The last thing he wanted to do was alert the Earth to his presence. To pull it off, he needed some human assistance, so he decided to use another popular human myth as a cover.

Thousands of Earth years ago, one of their first civilizations rose up in a place called Egypt. The rulers of this kingdom constructed huge stone pyramids to proclaim their glory. But there’s a group of Earthlings who insist to this day that the Egyptians could not have built the pyramids without extraterrestrial help.

That’s right, they believe stacking rocks could only be done with advanced technology.

I can see how they can come to that conclusion.

(War Hawk takes this opportunity to show an image of fruit stacked in a pyramid in the produce aisle of a market.)

I mean stacking things is so hard.

(He projects another image of stacked fruit in the produce aisle.)

And really, who could have figured out that you can place a small object on a wide base? That takes some really advanced thinking.

I mean, why build something out of metal alloy or carbon composite when you can move around a bunch of rocks?

All right, cut out the laughing. Let’s get back down to business.

So the story goes aliens came thousands of light years across the cosmos just to stack rocks on the banks of the River Nile. The pyramid shape itself is supposed to be special. It’s supposed to harness the energy of the universe or something. The pharaohs of Egypt were supposedly visitors from another planet, and they modeled the Egyptian society on their own. And the half animal/half human gods of the Egyptians are supposed to be other extraterrestrials.

As it happens, Los Angeles contains a high proportion of these alien pyramid believers. And many of them traveled in the same circles as Drac’s target. What he did next was pretty humiliating, but it paid off.

First, he made contact. Once he picked out his soon-tobe collaborator, an actress named Lila Sinclair, the rest was pretty easy. Like the rest of the alien Pharoah fan club, Lila didn’t fear beings from another planet. No, she was actually waiting for her great Egyptian benefactors to contact her. She often wore pyramid shaped headwear and spent hours meditating, hoping to make a mental link with the great pharaohs. All evidence to the contrary, she was convinced there were aliens that wanted to help Earth. What she got was Draconarius.

One night, Drac made his entrance. He implanted a directional microscopic speaker into Lila’s pyramid hat and waited for her to meditate. Once she had her hat on, Drac told her in a very dramatic and deep voice that she had been heard. A few holographic projectors created a “space bridge,” and out he stepped from her closet where he’d really been hiding. The Egyptian gods included one with the head of a crocodile, a being very similar to a Saurian. So all Drac had to do was dress up a little.

(War Hawk now projects an image of Draconarius wearing an Egyptian headdress and a breech cloth. It is rather silly looking.)

What can I say? Humiliating, but it worked.

Drac gave her a story about how she had been chosen out of all the billions on the planet to receive a vital message from the Space Pharaoh.

Some additional showmanship was necessary. He hid a few devices inside a small ankh. Pretty simple stuff. He used some magnets to move items around the room. Produced a bit of a light show.

Drac now had a willing accomplice. After that, it was pretty easy. Lila went to a seminar hosted by the Eldaran defector. She convinced him to follow her out into someplace dark and secluded. And then…

(War Hawk projects footages of Drac in his combat fatigues punching his Eldaran target and knocking him unconscious.)

GENERAL DRONN: So you’re saying we can trick the humans into worshipping us?

WAR HAWK: Some of the humans. The really… unique ones. Drac’s stratagem only works for small scale operations.

GENERAL DRONN: So what was the point besides showing us your friend in an embarrassing outfit?

WAR HAWK: Small scale operations have their place. Sometimes the whole invasion can hinge on them. That’s the point of reviewing all these incidents. What can be used to help recover a defector can also be used to grab a high level prisoner. A willing human accomplice is a huge asset and should never be underestimated. That is my point. That and the embarrassing outfit.

(At this point there is a noticeable growl emanating from somewhere behind War Hawk)

GENERAL DRONN: What was that?

WAR HAWK: I didn’t hear anything. Getting back to this particular caper. In the end Drac did have to explain the whole ruse to Ms. Sinclair. She took it rather well and only insisted that he take her with him to see the galaxy. I guess she personally wanted to track down the Space Pharaoh. She’s still looking, from what I gather. Didn’t I say Earth was a strange place?

Monday, September 2, 2013



With so many invasions there’s a lot of wreckage. Not all of it has been found by Earth authorities. A few years after Dronn’s attack, a crew of enterprising Voos discovered the remnants of an anti-matter reactor sitting in lake near an isolated town called Fairoaks in the area known as Kentucky. Now, the Voos weren’t stupid. The Earth Defense Force was now up and running and alert for any alien activity. So the Voos decided to hide in plain sight. They deliberately called attention to their incursion, but did it in such a way that the authorities automatically dismissed it.

It helped that Fairoaks was an out of the way hamlet that had never directly experienced an alien attack. It was also perfect because it was a long way from any real objective an attacker would want to scout. Just by the town’s location, seeds of doubt were being placed in the minds of the Earth authorities.

Next step, the Voos ambushed one Everett E. Einhorn, a resident of the town. And they weren’t subtle about it.

First, they dazzled Everett with lights in the sky. This is how this particular alien myth always starts.

That’s right, lights. Now, all aircraft have lights. They’re used mostly for ground crews operating in dark conditions.

No, I have no idea why you’d have your landing lights on when you’re trying to conduct a secret military incursion. It’s not like you need them to “see.” Even Earth’s relatively primitive aircraft can fly through a pitch-black night using low frequency energy scanning. But it comes to myth, this does make sense. So when Everett reported the lights, he instantly lost credibility.

For the next step, the Voos paralyzed him and used a tractor beam to lift him into their ship. The light was a real problem because it didn’t do anything. But humans can only see a narrow range of the energy spectrum and a major part of the myth concerns a cone of light. Had they just hit Everett with a neuro stunner he wouldn’t have seen anything, and the authorities might have been a little suspicious. The point was trying to make this encounter sound like none of previous alien invasions, and everything like this discredited myth. The light was just there for effect. Of course, the Voos didn’t want any other witnesses, and a powerful spotlight tends to attract attention. So they actually had four other craft in the immediate area, all blacked out and acting as a basically a giant light shade.

After getting him on board, the Voos took Everett to a specially prepared room. It was all white and featureless, except for a table to which they strapped Everett.

I talked to one of the Voos who carried out this operation, and he told me the white room was the part he hated the most. Space is at a premium on a spaceship, so that white room made the inside doubly cramped. Supplies were shoved under the floors and in the walls. The crew barely had any room to walk around. Meanwhile, Everett was on this table in the middle of all this empty unused area.

The Voos had to look the part. According to the myth, they had to appear to be humanoid with grey skin, long thing arms, body, and neck, a bulbous head, and large black eyes.

The Voos looked nothing like this, so they had to get creative.

After that, they disorientated Everett with even more bright lights. They gave him some good drugs to boost the effect. And then…

They stuck a rod up his butt.

I have no explanation. Anal probing is part of the legend. I have no idea why any alien would want to probe that region. It’s pretty obvious what it does. I can only guess that Earthlings fantasize about being invaded by renegade proctologists. Or maybe porn producers.

The Voos were sanitary about it. They even had their medic lance some polyps inside Everett’s colon. I guess it made them feel a little bit cleaner.

After they were done, they released Everett back into the wild. He immediately ran to tell all his friends and the local media. The authorities listened to him talk for one Earth hour, decided he was insane, and the incident was written off as a hoax. As a result, all future reports of lights in the sky around Fairoaks was also summarily dismissed. Right up until the time the Voos loaded up the reactor and blasted off.

The Voos managed to salvage the reactor for a half a million Iridium Pazuzas. Not a bad haul. It was a good strategy. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of thing you can only do once. Earth authorities won’t be that easy to fool a second time.



Talking about infiltration is a good lead-in to this next target. There have been other visitors to Earth. These guys didn’t come as invaders, though their motives weren’t entirely pure. Each was successful, and each took a very unusual tactic. None of these operations was as ambitious as trying to take over the whole planet, but that was a large part of their success. They had limited, concrete goals that they wanted to achieve and they devised a plan to get what they wanted. Their plans are going to sound a little odd though.

For background, Earth is a very strange place. Its inhabitants have vivid imaginations. The mental landscape is full of urban myths and legends. Incredibly, some of these myths concern aliens. These myths endure with many people despite contact with real aliens. Like I said, it’s a very strange place. But because the Earth has been invaded, because they’ve seen you and know what you look like and how you operate, these alien myths are even more widely discredited. And that’s where each of our next three subjects found success. Earth authorities are on the lookout for aliens, sure enough, but they’re looking for real aliens. By posing as fakes, these next operations were able to remain hidden and discreet.