Monday, September 2, 2013



With so many invasions there’s a lot of wreckage. Not all of it has been found by Earth authorities. A few years after Dronn’s attack, a crew of enterprising Voos discovered the remnants of an anti-matter reactor sitting in lake near an isolated town called Fairoaks in the area known as Kentucky. Now, the Voos weren’t stupid. The Earth Defense Force was now up and running and alert for any alien activity. So the Voos decided to hide in plain sight. They deliberately called attention to their incursion, but did it in such a way that the authorities automatically dismissed it.

It helped that Fairoaks was an out of the way hamlet that had never directly experienced an alien attack. It was also perfect because it was a long way from any real objective an attacker would want to scout. Just by the town’s location, seeds of doubt were being placed in the minds of the Earth authorities.

Next step, the Voos ambushed one Everett E. Einhorn, a resident of the town. And they weren’t subtle about it.

First, they dazzled Everett with lights in the sky. This is how this particular alien myth always starts.

That’s right, lights. Now, all aircraft have lights. They’re used mostly for ground crews operating in dark conditions.

No, I have no idea why you’d have your landing lights on when you’re trying to conduct a secret military incursion. It’s not like you need them to “see.” Even Earth’s relatively primitive aircraft can fly through a pitch-black night using low frequency energy scanning. But it comes to myth, this does make sense. So when Everett reported the lights, he instantly lost credibility.

For the next step, the Voos paralyzed him and used a tractor beam to lift him into their ship. The light was a real problem because it didn’t do anything. But humans can only see a narrow range of the energy spectrum and a major part of the myth concerns a cone of light. Had they just hit Everett with a neuro stunner he wouldn’t have seen anything, and the authorities might have been a little suspicious. The point was trying to make this encounter sound like none of previous alien invasions, and everything like this discredited myth. The light was just there for effect. Of course, the Voos didn’t want any other witnesses, and a powerful spotlight tends to attract attention. So they actually had four other craft in the immediate area, all blacked out and acting as a basically a giant light shade.

After getting him on board, the Voos took Everett to a specially prepared room. It was all white and featureless, except for a table to which they strapped Everett.

I talked to one of the Voos who carried out this operation, and he told me the white room was the part he hated the most. Space is at a premium on a spaceship, so that white room made the inside doubly cramped. Supplies were shoved under the floors and in the walls. The crew barely had any room to walk around. Meanwhile, Everett was on this table in the middle of all this empty unused area.

The Voos had to look the part. According to the myth, they had to appear to be humanoid with grey skin, long thing arms, body, and neck, a bulbous head, and large black eyes.

The Voos looked nothing like this, so they had to get creative.

After that, they disorientated Everett with even more bright lights. They gave him some good drugs to boost the effect. And then…

They stuck a rod up his butt.

I have no explanation. Anal probing is part of the legend. I have no idea why any alien would want to probe that region. It’s pretty obvious what it does. I can only guess that Earthlings fantasize about being invaded by renegade proctologists. Or maybe porn producers.

The Voos were sanitary about it. They even had their medic lance some polyps inside Everett’s colon. I guess it made them feel a little bit cleaner.

After they were done, they released Everett back into the wild. He immediately ran to tell all his friends and the local media. The authorities listened to him talk for one Earth hour, decided he was insane, and the incident was written off as a hoax. As a result, all future reports of lights in the sky around Fairoaks was also summarily dismissed. Right up until the time the Voos loaded up the reactor and blasted off.

The Voos managed to salvage the reactor for a half a million Iridium Pazuzas. Not a bad haul. It was a good strategy. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of thing you can only do once. Earth authorities won’t be that easy to fool a second time.

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