Wednesday, September 4, 2013



I have a bit of a history with the Saurian mercenary Draconarius Naga. I can tell you he’s not a pile of crap. At least, not completely. We’re not each other’s favorite people, but I’ll admit the guy’s a pro, especially for someone who started out as a research scientist. He’s an arrogant prick, and is nowhere near as brilliant as he thinks he is. But I will allow this idea he came up is pretty genius. Just don’t tell him I said that.

You see, ol’ Drac took a job for the Eldarans. Apparently, they had a defector who hid out on Earth, posing as a human. Drac located the scumbag who had set himself up as a motivational speaker in a city called Los Angeles. The target was never alone and often had a huge crowd around him. Drac had to find a way to isolate the guy so he could quietly snatch him. The last thing he wanted to do was alert the Earth to his presence. To pull it off, he needed some human assistance, so he decided to use another popular human myth as a cover.

Thousands of Earth years ago, one of their first civilizations rose up in a place called Egypt. The rulers of this kingdom constructed huge stone pyramids to proclaim their glory. But there’s a group of Earthlings who insist to this day that the Egyptians could not have built the pyramids without extraterrestrial help.

That’s right, they believe stacking rocks could only be done with advanced technology.

I can see how they can come to that conclusion.

(War Hawk takes this opportunity to show an image of fruit stacked in a pyramid in the produce aisle of a market.)

I mean stacking things is so hard.

(He projects another image of stacked fruit in the produce aisle.)

And really, who could have figured out that you can place a small object on a wide base? That takes some really advanced thinking.

I mean, why build something out of metal alloy or carbon composite when you can move around a bunch of rocks?

All right, cut out the laughing. Let’s get back down to business.

So the story goes aliens came thousands of light years across the cosmos just to stack rocks on the banks of the River Nile. The pyramid shape itself is supposed to be special. It’s supposed to harness the energy of the universe or something. The pharaohs of Egypt were supposedly visitors from another planet, and they modeled the Egyptian society on their own. And the half animal/half human gods of the Egyptians are supposed to be other extraterrestrials.

As it happens, Los Angeles contains a high proportion of these alien pyramid believers. And many of them traveled in the same circles as Drac’s target. What he did next was pretty humiliating, but it paid off.

First, he made contact. Once he picked out his soon-tobe collaborator, an actress named Lila Sinclair, the rest was pretty easy. Like the rest of the alien Pharoah fan club, Lila didn’t fear beings from another planet. No, she was actually waiting for her great Egyptian benefactors to contact her. She often wore pyramid shaped headwear and spent hours meditating, hoping to make a mental link with the great pharaohs. All evidence to the contrary, she was convinced there were aliens that wanted to help Earth. What she got was Draconarius.

One night, Drac made his entrance. He implanted a directional microscopic speaker into Lila’s pyramid hat and waited for her to meditate. Once she had her hat on, Drac told her in a very dramatic and deep voice that she had been heard. A few holographic projectors created a “space bridge,” and out he stepped from her closet where he’d really been hiding. The Egyptian gods included one with the head of a crocodile, a being very similar to a Saurian. So all Drac had to do was dress up a little.

(War Hawk now projects an image of Draconarius wearing an Egyptian headdress and a breech cloth. It is rather silly looking.)

What can I say? Humiliating, but it worked.

Drac gave her a story about how she had been chosen out of all the billions on the planet to receive a vital message from the Space Pharaoh.

Some additional showmanship was necessary. He hid a few devices inside a small ankh. Pretty simple stuff. He used some magnets to move items around the room. Produced a bit of a light show.

Drac now had a willing accomplice. After that, it was pretty easy. Lila went to a seminar hosted by the Eldaran defector. She convinced him to follow her out into someplace dark and secluded. And then…

(War Hawk projects footages of Drac in his combat fatigues punching his Eldaran target and knocking him unconscious.)

GENERAL DRONN: So you’re saying we can trick the humans into worshipping us?

WAR HAWK: Some of the humans. The really… unique ones. Drac’s stratagem only works for small scale operations.

GENERAL DRONN: So what was the point besides showing us your friend in an embarrassing outfit?

WAR HAWK: Small scale operations have their place. Sometimes the whole invasion can hinge on them. That’s the point of reviewing all these incidents. What can be used to help recover a defector can also be used to grab a high level prisoner. A willing human accomplice is a huge asset and should never be underestimated. That is my point. That and the embarrassing outfit.

(At this point there is a noticeable growl emanating from somewhere behind War Hawk)

GENERAL DRONN: What was that?

WAR HAWK: I didn’t hear anything. Getting back to this particular caper. In the end Drac did have to explain the whole ruse to Ms. Sinclair. She took it rather well and only insisted that he take her with him to see the galaxy. I guess she personally wanted to track down the Space Pharaoh. She’s still looking, from what I gather. Didn’t I say Earth was a strange place?

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