Friday, October 11, 2013



This footage was recovered from the wreckage of the symposium. None of the attendees survived the ambush.

Except for Sardonus Jek, who vowed to reform her forces. War Hawk and his allies returned to Earth to await her assault.

Before he left, War Hawk demanded his speaking fee.

They paid him, of course.


Wednesday, October 9, 2013



WAR HAWK: What’s going on?

MODERATOR: Sardonus Jek has arrived.

(At this moment Sardonus Jek enters the symposium hall. Jek is wearing one of her sleekest most form fitting suits of power armor.)

JEK: Yes. I’m here. I’m here. Kaeyn, darling it’s been too long.

WAR HAWK: That it has. Dramatic, as always.

JEK: Couldn’t help it. You’re right about the lack of apparent motive to conquer the terrans. But there is something on Earth that you’re missing.

WAR HAWK: Enlighten me.

JEK: Have you ever wondered why so many races have compatible proteins with the humans? The Gorgonians, the Sondrak, our race?

WAR HAWK: It is a curiosity.

JEK: It’s a legacy. Ages ago, our worlds were seeded by something ancient and powerful. On Earth, it left more than just DNA.

WAR HAWK: What did it leave?

JEK: Something big. It’s the key to conquering the whole galaxy. The Earthlings don’t even know it’s on the planet. Not directly. It’s embedded somewhere in the race memory. That’s why we need to conquer the place. That’s why we don’t need the Earthlings help or their consent. We just need to torture enough of them to reveal the location of…

WAR HAWK: Of what?

JEK: No. That information is for members only. Each one of us here has dedicated ourselves to this cause. The others have failed before, but they won’t this time.

WAR HAWK: You going to lead them?

JEK: Yes.

WAR HAWK: Need a second in command?

JEK: I don’t know. You sounded a little soft.

WAR HAWK: And you sound a little deranged. You talk about ancient gods leaving some all-powerful weapon on Earth. That is the craziest story I ever heard. I’m not surprised this lot believes it. Magic demons are about the only way they’ll ever be more than galactic bottom feeders. But you, Jek? I know you. You’re not crazy or stupid.

JEK: I’ve been shown the truth.

WAR HAWK: Want to share?

JEK: Are you offering to join us? We’re taking off after this. The last big push that will finish the Earth. Thanks for the valuable information, by the way.

WAR HAWK: I’m being compensated. But if you’re offering? Yeah. I’ll join. As long as I find out what the big weapon is.

JEK: Is that all you desire from me?

WAR HAWK: We’ll talk about private matters privately. This is business. What’s the weapon?

JEK: I’ll tell you once we’re on our way. You know, you’re lucky I’m not the jealous type. I heard about what you did while you were on the Earth.


JEK: Yes. Wasting your time with an Earth maiden. Was she a sweet distraction?

GENERAL DRONN: Is that the same lady who said you looked like a slob with a gun belt slung over your shoulder?

JEK: How would she know that…? You bastard. You really love her. Then why -

WAR HAWK: Not too late to change sides, Jek.

JEK: Get him!


JEK: He’s working for the humans! This was a trick to try and talk you out of invading.

(There’s mass confusion as the whole symposium draw their weapons on War Hawk, who stands behind his podium.)

JEK: Was she worth it Kaeyn?

WAR HAWK: Every bit. And two more things. One: I brought my own podium.

(At that exact moment the podium changes revealing that it secretly housed a very impressive cannon.)

WAR HAWK: Two: I didn’t come alone.

(Immediately behind War Hawk, several Earth soldiers de-cloak along with several of his known associates including Drac, Horn and Aiyana.)

WAR HAWK: Told you to switch sides.

(A massive blast and the video turns completely white.)



Sunday, October 6, 2013



Okay, so after all this, where are we? What’s left?

I’m as confused as when I started. Why are you doing this? Why do you keep trying to knock off this one insignificant planet?

I’m going to give you the reasons galactic wars and planetary invasions are fought. Let’s see if any of these situations apply to Earth at all.

Number one: The planet in question is the homeworld of an aggressive enemy who poses an imminent threat to your people. That sure as hell doesn’t describe Earth. They weren’t your enemy until you came down and started blowing the hell out of stuff. Before that, they didn’t even know you existed, so how can they be your enemy? Even if every human man, woman, and child was lusting for your blood of vital bodily fluids, what are they going to do about it? They don’t have a space fleet! They can barely make it to their own frigging moon! How are they in any way an imminent threat to your world?

Number two: Said planet serves as a major enemy base or is major supplier of war material for the enemy. Again, does this describe the Earth? Hell, no! They don’t have a hidden base full of Juggernaut class warships. Even if there was a warship fleet in their system, it’s a safe bet the humans know nothing about it and are in no way providing any kind of support. With their tech level, they can’t even begin to make vital war material, at least as we understand the term.

Number three: Said planet or system is a source of great wealth, either through natural resources or advanced manufacturing. Not even close. The planet’s solar system has plenty of untapped resources, but the humans can’t even reach most of them. You don’t need to waste ammo on them in order to claim their resources as a prize. And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the nearest star systems to Earth are uninhabited, and just as loaded with resources. As for advanced manufacturing, you’re trying to make me laugh, maybe so I won’t beat the crap out of you later. The humans’ tech level is so low they couldn’t even manufacture uniforms or toilet products. They could try, but the results would be messy.

Number four: Said planet occupies an important strategic position and has the ability to defend it from outworlder forces. We’ve just been over this. Even if Earth somehow occupies important space, they don’t have a fleet to defend it. Therefore, breaking off military resources to go attack them is a waste.

Nothing. Not a single motive makes sense. War is an expensive enterprise. It doesn’t suffer fools. But even fools have their reasons. I’m asking you one last time. Why do you continue to invade the Earth?

Saturday, October 5, 2013



Here’s another fellow who made his fortune off the Earth. Not only did he not invade the place, he’d have a major issue with anyone who did.

I’m referring to Popis Feclius, Saurian impresario.

Pop does… I’m not really sure. He talks to people. They talk to him. Entertainment shows get made. He collects a large sum of money. He tried to explain it to me once, but it made no sense. So what is his interest in this planet?

The humans themselves.

How can they have value? Let’s back up a little bit.

Our cultures have all developed in our own little corners of the universe, each with our own little quirks. Some people find those differences entertaining. Pop discovered that the cultural differences on Earth are very entertaining.

Earthlings offer a fresh perspective to the galaxy. They haven’t been swamped by the mass market interstellar civilization. They aren’t bombarded daily by the giant media providers we have to put up with. When you look at a terrans’ home you see, big surprise, Earth products and brands. There are none of the big brands from the mega corporations with their chirpy sales mascots and their brain deadening jingles that make you want to run through the streets with a chain gun and -

Sorry. Sorry. Got a little off track. There is a reason why I kill people for a living.

Getting back to my point, Earth is spared all that. You go into a terran restaurant, and it’s not a Galaxo Shack. It’s something different from the monotonous galactic norm. And people would actually pay money to see something like that. And right now they are paying money to experience it. Paying it to Popis Feclius.

He has aliens disguised as humans moving around with recording devices, doing all the things that humans do. He’s even set up tour groups for disguised clients. It’s a super exotic excursion that fetches top credit. Yes, the Earth is a dangerous place for aliens, but that’s part of the attraction.

So another Earth success story. Again, this didn’t involve an invasion. And Pop is understandably going to be upset if you ruin his operations. He’s no warrior, but he is rich. He’d probably just hire Drac and have him kill your ass.

Friday, October 4, 2013



This is a good time to bring up some individuals who had a good motive for coming to Earth. But they acted a lot differently from you guys.

First up is Ag-Re-Nom, a Zogorian physician and bio chemist.

The good doctor took a big risk by coming to Earth. It wouldn’t be easy for him to escape detection, and he wasn’t combat trained. If the Earthlings discovered him, it would have gone badly for Ag-Re-Nom. So why did he do it?

Time for another lesson. This one is about science. Quit your bitching back there!

Life is complicated. No, I’m not talking about juggling your wives and mistresses. I’m talking about life: biochemical compounds that make up living things. To put it simply, they can be combined in millions of ways. Any planet with a developed biosphere is going to have an abundance of different life forms. And most of these, while similar, will be unique to the planet. Many of them will produce compounds that are unique. That can equal a lot of money. But not always. First off, there’s a huge difference between being rare, and actually being valuable. The crap from a terran lemur is rare. That doesn’t mean it’s worth anything.

But as it happens, Earth lemur poop cures Zogorian cancer, for some reason. So that meant there was something both rare and valuable on Earth.

Ag-Re-Nom, being a scientist, had no intention of harvesting whole life forms. That may sound like a logical step to you, but you’re not scientists.

Nom knew that he needed to be cautious. Had he hired a mercenary army and come in guns ablaze he would have made the lemurs crap themselves for certain. And probably would have wiped out the entire species.

Nom knew that if any part of the planet’s biosphere was valuable, the last thing he wanted was a hard military incursion. Instead, he went for a stealth incursion to collect samples, and then got the hell out.

And he really only needed a few samples. That’s because biology ain’t magic. Biological compounds, lemur poop, cobra venom, blue whale semen – none of these are magic potions. They are secreted by organisms, not brewed in a sorcerer’s pot. It’s biology. And biology is, at its basic level, chemistry. If smearing lemur crap over your face removes your tumors, it’s because there’s a chemical compound in the feces that’s reacting with your system. Once Nom isolated the compound, he didn’t need the lemur. He was able to mass produce the cancer cure in a lab.

Now Ag-Re-Nom is fabulously wealthy, all thanks to a little Earth creature. Nom got what he wanted from the Earth, and he didn’t have to invade the place.

Thursday, October 3, 2013



I’m dreading this next question. Str’ee Collective, I’ve avoided talking about you. There really isn’t much to say. First, you tipped off your landing sites by making weird symbols in their crops.

Your first wave was against isolated farming communities with no military value.

You attacked naked.

And you were defeated because you were allergic to water, a substance that covers seventy-five percent of the planet’s surface.

So what was your reason for coming to this deathtrap of a planet in the first place?

STR’EE: This system is close to our enemies. From there, we can launch attacks directed at their home worlds.

WAR HAWK: I must say I’m shocked. I had no idea that the race behind the worst of the large scale invasions, worse the Vuralans or the Tritonians, that you would be the ones to come with a legitimate rational for invading the Earth.

Or is it?

I don’t believe you. Not just because you invaded a planet full of a substance that’s lethal to you without wearing any clothes. But if strategic position had been your goal, there were better ways to go about it.

Let’s review. Strategic position. What is it?

It’s the idea that the planet itself isn’t important, but that it occupies space that’s valuable in military terms. This assumes you’re already at war with another spacefaring entity.

As you may or may not know, starships use up a lot of energy. It’s not easy to bend time and space and reach a distant star that’s light years away. There are drawbacks.

When are there not?

Ships can only jump so far head at one time. That jump uses a tremendous amount of energy. That depletes your anti-matter fuel. Therefore, you need to make a certain number of pit stops along the way to refuel. Also, to reload on things like food, and air out the old heap. Most people don’t realize how badly those things stink after just a couple of days.

That brings us back to Earth. Now maybe that stupid frigging little rock just might be in the perfect position for your next major assault. Maybe it’s exactly halfway between your main base and your target, like the Str’ee claim. It might be the best staging area for your big operation.

This makes sense.

Don’t congratulate yourselves yet, Str’ee. There’s a pretty big “But” here.

But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to invade the planet. You’re here for one fight, and you’re starting another, totally unrelated war?

Why open a secondary campaign that will take up tons of resources when the real enemy is still light years away? Why invest all that manpower when your primary enemy is still at his home base? Remember, he actually has energy shields and a space fleet that you have to overcome. His planetary defense network probably stretches all the way to the outer edge of his system, if not further. How are you going to quickly conquer a planet of six billion and still have enough soldiers and resources to take on an opponent who isn’t two centuries behind you? Worse yet, if you become too entangled in a fight on Earth, your enemy will show up sooner or later, and then you’ll really be in a jam.

If the Str’ee collective was telling the truth, then their failure on Earth would have had catastrophic consequences for the rest of their race. The loss of the Earth invasion force might have tilted the balance in favor of their enemies.

That’s why I say there’s no reason to invade. In this scenario, we’re not actually focusing on the planet, at all. We’re talking about its entire solar system. If you want to be really specific, we’re talking about Earth’s sun. A solar system’s position in the cosmos is determined by its largest objects: the sun or suns and, to a lesser extent, the large gas giants.

You don’t need to control Earth to refuel. We’ve already been over how there are plenty of resources elsewhere in the solar system, and how the planet doesn’t have the space fleet to protect them, or even claim them. And we’ve talked about setting up space habs and bases prior to an invasion. Compared to creating a new home for billions of colonists, or creating bases for millions of invasion troops, setting up a refueling station is as easy as falling down a flight of stairs. For those of you who don’t know how easy that is, meet me by the stairwell after the lecture and I’ll show you.

You could set up shop and never even tip your hand that you’re there. In fact, you and your opponent could wage numerous battles in the solar system and never even touch the Earth.

So nice effort, Str’ee. You came a lot closer than any of these other nitwits. But I don’t buy your excuse, either. That’s not why you came to Earth.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013



The Tritonian incursion ended before it really began. The details are sketchy. But the rumor is their first attack was an attempt to impregnate some human females. Is this true? Is this way you came vast interstellar distances? To get it on with Earth girls?

TRIRONIAN: Can you prove otherwise?

WAR HAWK: “Prove” is a strong word. But I can make a case against it.

Leave aside for the moment that none of your subjects survived the breeding attempt. Suppose you were successful with your crossbreeding. What then? A handful of half human infant hybrids; what will that get you? That isn’t an invading army. That’s a paternity suit.

And why? Did you find Earthlings that attractive?

Before we go any further, we need to have the talk. Let me just say that sex and war often go together. In ancient times, warrior cultures had strong sexual connotations. Domination is domination. In modern times, when these societies were “rediscovered,” part of the thrill was about new ways to get your dick (or whatever) hard (or whatever). Often when a culture is rediscovering its “glorious” past, it’s after they’ve been emasculated in some way. They reach back for a time when men were men, women were women, hermaphrodites were both and asexuals were neither.

This is nothing new. Sexual prowess and the warrior go hand in hand. A kid who survives training camp feels like he can do anything. And by “do anything” I mean he feels like he could screw the brains out of the town slut. And as soon as they get their first liberty pass that’s what a lot of them try to do. There’s nothing really wrong with any of that, as long as it’s handled responsibly and it doesn’t get out of control. A soldier needs to have balls of iron, but also have enough brains to know when to keep them inside his pants. That’s why discipline must be maintained.

Just as your soldiers can’t get too frisky, a commander needs to take a cold shower every now and then. Military operations often get conflated with sex. This can have disastrous effects on a campaign. A leader who is listening to his member instead of his brain in the war room will order something ludicrous like, “No retreats!” If the guy on the ground needs to fall back, you damn well better let him. If he’s any good at all, he’s not requesting a withdrawal because he left something burning in the oven! It gets even worse when the population gets in on the act. They start to see anything less than “Total Victory” as a national castration. In that case, they better get ready for the penis shears, because there’s a fine line between “Total Victory” and “Permanent War.” A population that has a penis-driven agenda will keep pushing and pushing until the whole thing blows up in everyone’s faces.

Who’s chuckling?

All right, that’s the talk about sex and the military. It’s always underneath the surface. But what happens when sex isn’t the subtext but the text? What about invasions motivated entirely by sex?

Does it make any sense for you to travel millions of light years to Earth just so you could stick your slimeys in terran orifices? Is it responsible to stage a planetary invasion just so you can impregnate human women or human men with your spawn?

No. It isn’t.

I’ll just make this one comparison. My race has much more in common with a primate called a bugbatler than with most other galactic species. On my home world, attempting to have sex with a bugbalter usually results in jail sentences and/or mandatory mental treatment. What the hell is wrong with you?

Everything we said about eating humans applies to screwing them, too. If their proteins don’t match yours, it’s impossible for Earthlings to bear the spawn of your loins. And if they are compatible, you’ve probably exposed yourself to a number of nasty bugs. Human orifices are crawling with critters. Most of them are completely harmless to other humans, but that doesn’t mean they won’t screw you up if you try to screw them.

Even if you’re like me and the Earthlings are similar enough to your species to find attractive, mounting an entire invasion based on your libido is beyond insane. Hell there was this guy on Theta Seven who carved a mountain sized sculpture of his twig and berries. And even he looks rational compared to you if you’re planning an entire invasion just to get your rocks off.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013



Next the Vuralans. So you guys ate a bunch of Earthlings right?


WAR HAWK: Did they taste good?


WAR HAWK: Pleasure speaking with you.

Yes, the Vuralans landed on Earth solely to eat humans. I have no problem believing this.

The Vuralans landed near an isolated vacation camp near a lake.

Once there, they proceeded to do nothing but chase humans around, and finally eat them. As mentioned before, they did all this naked.

This went on until they were shot and killed.

I believe the Vuralans wanted nothing more than a meal because this was one of the dumbest operations in Earth’s history. It only makes sense that it has as its motive something equally stupid.

Yes, the Vuralans are that dumb. I’m still shocked they can fly a spacecraft. But the rest of you are not. And using humans as a food source is suicidal idiocy.

Let’s talk about proteins. They come in a wide variety of strains. The proteins from one planet are highly unlikely to be compatible with proteins that developed on a completely different planet. And when a digestive system tries to break down non-compatible proteins, the results aren’t pleasant. Your digestive system is a complex chemical factory. Throwing stuff in that it isn’t designed to deal with throws it completely out of whack. Want to know what will happen?

Your body doesn’t digest the human proteins. Meaning chewed up human passes through your digestive tract in a large mass. At this point, several things can happen, and they’re all bad. Just because your body isn’t digesting the human meat doesn’t mean it isn’t going to react to it. Your body will probably decide this stuff is poisonous and try to flush it out of your system as quickly as possible. Whether you want it to or not. And there might be something in undigested Earthling that really is poisonous to your system. If that happened, you can experience tissue and organ failure all up and down your digestive tract. Finally, there are probably some terran microbes that tagged along for the ride through your stomach. They can digest human carcass, and you’ve introduced them to a nice warm environment and given them plenty to eat. This means they will multiply and push out the bacteria that’s already in your intestinal tract; bacteria that you need in order for your guts to function properly.

It’s safer to eat your gun, which at least is mostly made of nonreactive metals that just pass through the body. Allegedly. I once heard of a guy who ate his gun. He died. He ate the poison tipped ammo.

Ironically, this is the same thing that keeps most of you safe from Earth’s diseases. The protein difference means all the nasty germs and flu bugs down there won’t infect your system. But there’s a huge difference between shrugging off a few microbes and jamming several kilograms into your intestines or whatever turns your lunch into your poo.

Let me put it like this:


…plus lunch…

…equals death on the toilet.

What happens if your proteins are compatible? Then you are in even bigger trouble. Just ask the Gorgonians and the Sondrak. Their entire invasion force was wiped out when a few humans sneezed on them. Now imagine how much worse it would have been if they had ingested human flesh.

I’m a bio-enhanced fighter. That makes me immune to any disease, from Earth or otherwise. If I didn’t have these protections I probably wouldn’t have returned from my Earth reconnaissance alive.

In the end, the humans did the Vuralans a favor by shooting them all before they died of dysentery. So I don’t believe the rest of you came down to Earth in search of food. Even if you do have a secret desire to crap out your own insides, there are cheaper ways to get that done. There are a couple of takeout joints that come to mind.