Wednesday, October 2, 2013



The Tritonian incursion ended before it really began. The details are sketchy. But the rumor is their first attack was an attempt to impregnate some human females. Is this true? Is this way you came vast interstellar distances? To get it on with Earth girls?

TRIRONIAN: Can you prove otherwise?

WAR HAWK: “Prove” is a strong word. But I can make a case against it.

Leave aside for the moment that none of your subjects survived the breeding attempt. Suppose you were successful with your crossbreeding. What then? A handful of half human infant hybrids; what will that get you? That isn’t an invading army. That’s a paternity suit.

And why? Did you find Earthlings that attractive?

Before we go any further, we need to have the talk. Let me just say that sex and war often go together. In ancient times, warrior cultures had strong sexual connotations. Domination is domination. In modern times, when these societies were “rediscovered,” part of the thrill was about new ways to get your dick (or whatever) hard (or whatever). Often when a culture is rediscovering its “glorious” past, it’s after they’ve been emasculated in some way. They reach back for a time when men were men, women were women, hermaphrodites were both and asexuals were neither.

This is nothing new. Sexual prowess and the warrior go hand in hand. A kid who survives training camp feels like he can do anything. And by “do anything” I mean he feels like he could screw the brains out of the town slut. And as soon as they get their first liberty pass that’s what a lot of them try to do. There’s nothing really wrong with any of that, as long as it’s handled responsibly and it doesn’t get out of control. A soldier needs to have balls of iron, but also have enough brains to know when to keep them inside his pants. That’s why discipline must be maintained.

Just as your soldiers can’t get too frisky, a commander needs to take a cold shower every now and then. Military operations often get conflated with sex. This can have disastrous effects on a campaign. A leader who is listening to his member instead of his brain in the war room will order something ludicrous like, “No retreats!” If the guy on the ground needs to fall back, you damn well better let him. If he’s any good at all, he’s not requesting a withdrawal because he left something burning in the oven! It gets even worse when the population gets in on the act. They start to see anything less than “Total Victory” as a national castration. In that case, they better get ready for the penis shears, because there’s a fine line between “Total Victory” and “Permanent War.” A population that has a penis-driven agenda will keep pushing and pushing until the whole thing blows up in everyone’s faces.

Who’s chuckling?

All right, that’s the talk about sex and the military. It’s always underneath the surface. But what happens when sex isn’t the subtext but the text? What about invasions motivated entirely by sex?

Does it make any sense for you to travel millions of light years to Earth just so you could stick your slimeys in terran orifices? Is it responsible to stage a planetary invasion just so you can impregnate human women or human men with your spawn?

No. It isn’t.

I’ll just make this one comparison. My race has much more in common with a primate called a bugbatler than with most other galactic species. On my home world, attempting to have sex with a bugbalter usually results in jail sentences and/or mandatory mental treatment. What the hell is wrong with you?

Everything we said about eating humans applies to screwing them, too. If their proteins don’t match yours, it’s impossible for Earthlings to bear the spawn of your loins. And if they are compatible, you’ve probably exposed yourself to a number of nasty bugs. Human orifices are crawling with critters. Most of them are completely harmless to other humans, but that doesn’t mean they won’t screw you up if you try to screw them.

Even if you’re like me and the Earthlings are similar enough to your species to find attractive, mounting an entire invasion based on your libido is beyond insane. Hell there was this guy on Theta Seven who carved a mountain sized sculpture of his twig and berries. And even he looks rational compared to you if you’re planning an entire invasion just to get your rocks off.

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